Sunday, July 18, 2010

Love Actually

I appologize in advance for the rants and information that nobody cares about but me:
So, lately I have been wondering what love actually is and what it means to different people at different stages in their life. As a 21 year old girl (I for some reason don't feel comfortable saying woman yet) you wonder if it's the perfect new pair of lime green running shoes you found on the "$50 spot" rack at Finish Line or if it could possibly be the new guy in your life who has spent the last three weeks promising he isn't like all the other guys you've been with. Now, I'm sure lots of you are thinking that I am being silly even having to wonder what love is. Of course, it's the amazing family you've been blessed with since day one, the friends who, no matter what, never leave your side, and the faith you've always kept so near and dear to you. Trust me, I know this. I've never had to question my love for any of these things. (Oh, and I left out macaroni... I have never had to question my love for macaroni). But really, there are so many different kinds of love. I think at every age, there is just a certain kind that is always on your mind. Whether it's tinker toys, sports, your field of studies, your fiance, your unborn baby, your hubby of 27 years, or the places you would love to see when you retire. There is a season for everything. So as an almost 22 year old, I really think the pressure is on, but then again, it's not at all. I mean, shit, I'm 21! Everyone around me is getting engaged, becoming pregnant, and I'm left wondering "when the f*&k did this happen?!" I guess everyone feels ready for certain things at different times in life. Sure, I want these things. Pretty badly, actually. I guess my priorities right now, beyond the obvious, just don't include the super serious stuff. I'm on a quest to find the best sushi in Austin (which I'm pretty sure that I've accomplished), learn as much as I possibly can at KUT, and save every babysitting penny I make so that my best friend and I can have the time of our lives in Colorado. This is my love. If a guy comes around who is less than 5% bonehead, or is a bonehead but looks like Channing Tatum, I'm open to it. What's funny is a couple of months ago I sat down and had a pretty serious conversation with God. I begged and pleaded for Mr. Right to show up so I would never have to worry about any kind of male related bullshit ever again. Let's just say God PSYCHED me the last few weeks but it's okay... I can take a litle bit of God's sick humor every now and then. Last night I was watching the 11 month old baby that I have looking after for a few weeks now. I swear he is the cutest, sweetest, and happiest baby I have ever come into contact with which makes changing the nastiest diapers the world has ever known a little bit more tolerable. The kid doesn't even talk and somehow he's made so much more sense of my life just by watching him. I think I am kind of envious of him though. I mean he takes two naps a day for God sakes. I love naps... So anyways, before his Mom and Dad took off for the evening his Dad and I were chatting about what a cool kid they have. He kind of looked off in to space for a little and then smiled and said to me, "It's when he hears the garage door opening and he knows I'm home from work and crawls as fast as he can to the door so I'll pick him up and he smiles..." That's his love. My heart pretty much melted. It was way too cute and pretty much made my day. So, what's love for you? Atleast for right now? My Mom says this blog is way too long and that nobody has the attention span to read all of this but IF you did make it to the end let me know you think.

Peace, love, and kayaking.



  1. First of all, no need to apologize. Obviously you felt the need to put what was in your mind into a tangible form. Never apologize for expressing yourself, in any form. I suppose that on many levels, you and I are a lot alike. When some line of thought enters your head, you begin to dissect it and think about its various aspects and how they affect you on a personal level. If you ARE anything like me, you continue to think about that subject until you’ve explored it (and your ideas on it) through writing. It’s the only way to get it out of your head.

    As far as my definition of love goes:

    I suppose that, in my own brand of twisted logic, love is mostly a combination of respect and contentment. For instance, this blog has had an affect on me (don’t be scared, I’m not about to tell you I love you) in that I now respect you. I suppose I always did respect you, but not for any one reason. In my mind you were a good person and I bore no ill intent towards you. But this blog has given my respect a focus. You made yourself REAL to me. You’re not just “Amanda Pena, that girl who likes journalism like I do, is friends with the Gardner girls and a pretty nice girl”. You’re now “Amanda Pena”. By that I mean you’re a REAL person. You have created in my mind your own persona by expressing yourself. You’re deep, caring, funny, devout, free spirited and HONEST ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU FEEL. All that, from ONE blog.

    But back to love. I find that love is mostly respect and contentment, as I stated earlier. In my current life, I’m trying to fall in love with myself. I’ve never been comfortable with the way I look (and lets just leave it at that) and am taking steps to change it. I’ve also never been happy with my bad habits (frivolous spending and greed) and have begun trying to save money and practicing my thank-you’s. My overall personality I’m happy with, but there’s always room for discovery and improvement in that arena, so I cannot (in all good faith) retire that portion of my personal to-do list.

    Unfortunately we live in a superficial society and, like it or not, we all respond first to looks. Myself included. (Though I WISH I could change that hardwired shallowness) So, in order to retain a woman’s interest long enough to see the part of me I am PROUD of, the part of me that can be a loving father and caring husband, I need to work on my outer coating. Lol But that’s not the only reason. My new year’s resolution was to be a man of action, to stop complaining and take steps to change it. I’ve never been happy with myself, so it’s time to stop bitching and get after it.

    I went off on a tangent, oh well. I too love macaroni. There we go, I believe that brings us full circle and back on track. Lol

    Btw, I have a blog too, should you be interested.

  2. I found the answer to this question for myself about 13 years ago. And, for me, this is all there is to it:

    Love is the absence of fear.

  3. I would definitely have to agree with that...