Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Love is patient, love is kind.

So, this is a pretty serious blog. I have been debating for the last month whether or not it's a good idea to write something like this but after some thought and consideration I've decided that it is. Even though it kind of feels like I'm about to stand in front of a large crowd in my undies... So this is for all you beautiful women out there. Better yet, for all you men.

When I was young my Mom always told me, "Amanda, you are as beautiful as you feel. If you believe you are beautiful, the world will. And you are." This was the perfect foundation for a strong self esteem and self worth as a young girl and it only flourished. I had the perfect example of loving parents, grandparents, and friends. I always worked hard to set myself apart in all I did because I believed that being a strong, intelligent, loving woman was the path to my perfect life. I knew exactly what I deserved and what I stood for and I would never settle for anything less.

Then he came into my life. He swept me off my feet... He was charming, adventurous, and always found special ways to surprise me and make me feel like a princess. However, after about six months, things took a turn for the worse. Not only was there physical abuse, but verbal abuse, which hurts more than anything. I didn't want to believe that this perfect relationship had turned into my worst nightmare. How could this happen to me? This wasn't supposed to happen to me...

After staying away for about a week, I decided that I couldn't live without him. Looking back this is one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I thought that after all of that time of having a perfect relationship, there was no way that this was a true indication of who he really was. I was wrong. I took him back, and shortly after the same thing happened. Once again, I broke it off. I spent the summer having fun with my friends and family and gaining back all of the self confidence, self worth and self respect that I felt he had stolen from me. By the time it was back to go to school, I was back to being the Amanda that I had always been. With each call or text from my ex after returning back to school, I slowly fell back into his spell. "One more chance!" "Maybe he has changed...." "People can change, right??" My friends and family stood by me as they cringed and hoped for the best. They had to let me make my own decisions. Once again, I had been proved wrong.

The moral of this story isn't to make anyone feel sorry for me because as crazy as it seems, I am thankful for everything that has happened. I am the strongest I have ever been if you can believe it. I've had to do some seriously rebuilding and I'm better than ever! But what I really want, is to save the rest of you from having to go through this. You think growing up that this only happens to a certain kind of girl. Anyone but you. But the thing is, it can happen to anyone. If it is happening to you, or ever does, I offer you very very very important piece of advice. Leave. Leave. Leave. Those kind of people, unless they are the rare exception, don't change. I'm lucky that I had a strong support group when I went through all of this and still have to remind myself each day of not only what I deserve but who I deserve. My loved ones have to remind me too.

All of you are so beautiful and important. Nobody, not men or women, deserves a slap, shove, or any type of physical abuse from a "loved" one. Nobody deserves to be called a bitch or any other names. Nobody that truly loves you will ever ever ever treat you this way. My hope is that you all remember this and never let anyone convince you of any different or trick you into thinking that they really aren't hurting you.

I am sure a lot of you reading are thinking WHAT?! I don't blame you. It's definitely not the lightest of topics and I'm sure you wouldn't have guessed I'd ever write something personal about something like this. But honestly, it's worth it if it makes a difference to someone. It even helps to remind me.

I love you all and hope that every one of you sees the talent and beauty in yourselves. Like I've said a million times, never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Which is everything.

Peace, love, and kayaking.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Love Actually

I appologize in advance for the rants and information that nobody cares about but me:
So, lately I have been wondering what love actually is and what it means to different people at different stages in their life. As a 21 year old girl (I for some reason don't feel comfortable saying woman yet) you wonder if it's the perfect new pair of lime green running shoes you found on the "$50 spot" rack at Finish Line or if it could possibly be the new guy in your life who has spent the last three weeks promising he isn't like all the other guys you've been with. Now, I'm sure lots of you are thinking that I am being silly even having to wonder what love is. Of course, it's the amazing family you've been blessed with since day one, the friends who, no matter what, never leave your side, and the faith you've always kept so near and dear to you. Trust me, I know this. I've never had to question my love for any of these things. (Oh, and I left out macaroni... I have never had to question my love for macaroni). But really, there are so many different kinds of love. I think at every age, there is just a certain kind that is always on your mind. Whether it's tinker toys, sports, your field of studies, your fiance, your unborn baby, your hubby of 27 years, or the places you would love to see when you retire. There is a season for everything. So as an almost 22 year old, I really think the pressure is on, but then again, it's not at all. I mean, shit, I'm 21! Everyone around me is getting engaged, becoming pregnant, and I'm left wondering "when the f*&k did this happen?!" I guess everyone feels ready for certain things at different times in life. Sure, I want these things. Pretty badly, actually. I guess my priorities right now, beyond the obvious, just don't include the super serious stuff. I'm on a quest to find the best sushi in Austin (which I'm pretty sure that I've accomplished), learn as much as I possibly can at KUT, and save every babysitting penny I make so that my best friend and I can have the time of our lives in Colorado. This is my love. If a guy comes around who is less than 5% bonehead, or is a bonehead but looks like Channing Tatum, I'm open to it. What's funny is a couple of months ago I sat down and had a pretty serious conversation with God. I begged and pleaded for Mr. Right to show up so I would never have to worry about any kind of male related bullshit ever again. Let's just say God PSYCHED me the last few weeks but it's okay... I can take a litle bit of God's sick humor every now and then. Last night I was watching the 11 month old baby that I have looking after for a few weeks now. I swear he is the cutest, sweetest, and happiest baby I have ever come into contact with which makes changing the nastiest diapers the world has ever known a little bit more tolerable. The kid doesn't even talk and somehow he's made so much more sense of my life just by watching him. I think I am kind of envious of him though. I mean he takes two naps a day for God sakes. I love naps... So anyways, before his Mom and Dad took off for the evening his Dad and I were chatting about what a cool kid they have. He kind of looked off in to space for a little and then smiled and said to me, "It's when he hears the garage door opening and he knows I'm home from work and crawls as fast as he can to the door so I'll pick him up and he smiles..." That's his love. My heart pretty much melted. It was way too cute and pretty much made my day. So, what's love for you? Atleast for right now? My Mom says this blog is way too long and that nobody has the attention span to read all of this but IF you did make it to the end let me know you think.

Peace, love, and kayaking.